Your own radiance should do wonders ...'should'.

Dear sister,

Surprising as it may seem, something like this was much needed. I know, I am not there to hold and hug you and hear you sob, but these 'words' are all I have to make you feel better (takes me back to the song by Beejees: 'words' - and words are all I have, to take your heart away). Amazing, isn't it? How every little fiber of existence has transformed into a memory that the two of us share? Despite all the distance, despondency and agony, I am still that one person who will do the wonder of comprehending your silence. I learned from you, that silence is a strong weapon. Without a doubt, it is. However, over the course of so many years, I have seen, that prolonged silence can transmute into breeding grounds for further discomfort, and so on. In some cases, it acts as a poison. A poison that eventually results in amptutation. It shares semblance with booze - initial consumption feels like liquor - but later, all that is there is glum. Therefore, always remember, silence could become a swage, if nothing greater.

Whatever words I unleash here are not just simple words. Instead, they are a refined combination of text that will act as your true armour because I have complete faith that you are worth it. I know, times have gotten harder by the day, but in the darkest of hours is a ray of hope that empowers you to become a hero. Every exit brings a new entry; however, our naivity doesn't immediately allow us to apprehend its presence. But trust me, there is. Every threshold is a get-go. Every calamity leads to amity. Think of it as a storm curtailing to a cool breeze, and the sigh of relief that it brings to the mind and soul. If anything more, it is like a rainbow erupting from behind the lump of dark, dimishing clouds after a howling blow of winds, thunder and lightning. With heartbreak comes breakthrough. With misery comes delight. I with you, and you with me, it gets only better - nothing less. "The darkest hour of the night is 'just' before dawn."

Having said so, I realise, that times are getting tougher. Life has become so demanding that there is no room for flexibility. You will meet people who you think understand you perfectly. But the same people then take a steep one-eighty degree turn to the opposite end of the spectrum. There will be times when you will plummet from giddy heights to hopelessness. In the midst of nose-diving, you would not know what is causing all the unrest that there is. It will be a hollow road leading to an impasse. By the time you realise what is prompting it, perhaps, it'll be too late. But believe me, it is never going to be 'too late' as long as you're breathing. Life is full of compromises on a front, but full of surprises at the other end. You might want to dismiss all that, that has happened to you so far; but on the spur of the very moment, you'd want to avail those blemishes to a decorative future. There will be instances that are full of malaise, while there are times when you will find it hard to drift into kip because reality will be better than your dreams. And I know, what you would be thinking right now is, she's only moving ahead with 'words' because they are her only embellishment. Knowing you, probably your veins will be shooting with madness and heat. Had I been there, you'd have burst at me already.

Scooting back to that novel, Life of Pi - imagined yourself stranded on a lifeboat with a tiger. Just as how Pi found himself in the company of the tiger, Richard Parker, made him all the more attentive towards any and every occurance. Rightly so, the fears of life educe us to factor who we eventually are. Good jugement comes from bad experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.

There will be times when you will confront people who will overpower you. However, inside, every inch of breathtaking will make you impregnable and secure. People who you think of as invincible will only meliorate your urge to thrive. I know life poses baptisms of fire, back-to-back, but the hero that you are to your existence, should only make you flourish.

Always remember, "nothing lasts forever" - this rightfully applies to all your tribulations, as much as anything else. So dive into the trial of ordeal to be able to reach the shore. The more you escape from the situation, the farther you are from its solution.

Easiest thing to do is to 'talk'. Like my favourite statement has always been, "those who cannot do jack, talk."But here, every word that I say should engrave within your palms to strengthen your grip. Reassure yourself that everything will be okay. The slower, the better.

As a human, I realise that you contain your individual shock resoprtion capacity, with a specific volume to juggle with misfortune. If you see through your own eyes, you are carrying a weight on your tender shoulders, moving at the pace of heartbeat. But from someone else's eyes, you are in a bubble of support, joy, fortunate; self equipped, born to supportive, conducive parents, family and friends.

Life is not about finding yourself. It is about 'creating' yourself. Things that worry you, discard them. Relationships that worry you, 'do not' discard them. There is worry only where there is care and solace. Just like how I do the wonder of fathoming your secrecy and hush, I will also point out when you whinge undue. Don't let the morsel of dust stay in your eyes and produce tears. Instead, let them flow. Those who hurt you, forgive them anyway. Those who you think overwhelm your inner, accept them as their nature, or dismiss that as a result of their circumstances you are unbeknownst of.

With all this, I am introducing you to the 'high-pass filter' strategy. Let the odds dribble down the drain, while you catch the even components in the process, only those that benefit you. I know, doing so, sounds irrational and selfish. But always know, selfishness at times is healthy. At other times, it is only an intoxicant. 'Balance' is very necessary.

Do I sound like an elder sister? Oh, I know, I do. I always have been. Usually the younger ones wish that they were older. In my case, I wish, that I were even younger. Nonetheless, the chemistry between the two of us had remained unchanged. The sparrow at heart and pea-sized brain that you are, makes me love you all the more. The consolation that you seek in my words, thoughts, ideas, company, warmth and embrace, makes me want to become stronger, not for myself, but to look you through.

Every day that I have lived, I have become a fighter, bit by bit, not to conquer the incredible, but to cater to the arm of my goldfish, which is you.

Focus only on things that you can foresee as positive, withholding an outcome in your favour. Because the rest, are simply not in your hands. Accept them as destiny and provocations of nature. However, there are things that strike the rage in you, only momentarily. Eventually, we all know, they are bound to throes of ceasure. Those are the things you got to exercise patience on. If they bite you, get bitten anyway. The wound will only make you unattackable, each time as it grows. Eventually, a time will come when you will find who you are. You will do the marvel of growing into a graceful clot of a woman that you haven't thought about, yet.

Pin yourself to the atrocities that will earn you your rightful, deserving reward. There are hurdles on the way, yet I expect you to catch the flight and not run towards the fire escape.

The strong lady that you have been makes me shine more and more every day. But now is a time, when you need to glow within your own circumference of hardships, love, affection and everything else that comes. Let the sun shine, not behind the curtains, rather impinging on your retina. Let the moon come bright, in its full glory. Let your radiance do wonders. Trust me, not everyone star shoots. But the one that does, lights up the galaxies. Let your emergence sublimate, and resublimate.

Last, but not the least: to all this is an exciting piece of info that you must already be aware of. A woman resembles a peach - delicate and tender from outside, but hardcore from within. While a man (riddles that most women think of them as) resembles a coconut - extremely tough from the outer core, yet intensely warmhearted inside (mother told me this, rest assured, it holds true. I am telling you this because at times I have to take the front seat and act like a mother, too). Pierce through the walls to find that 'one' man as your soulmate, companion and best friend. Relationships in life may not come with any guarantee; however, relationships in life do come with a security to divide sorrow to lessen it, multiply the joy to amplify it. With it, comes a positive energy to walk ahead deliminating between emotion and conscience.

"When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."

To all the times we have had, till we live them again, be strong and raise my head with pride and your perserverance. "Your greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time you fall."

I know you miss me, I miss you more. I know you care, but you gotta take care, because 'i' care MORE. I am far, but I know what you think, how and when. I know you are irrational, but I am there to mend. I know times have changed and I am not there to see, but the best part is, the silly, cynical, wierdo that I left you, are still your qualities. Some things never change - this has been quite a phrase for us, remember? But some things ought to change, for the better (doesn't include you though). I feel I am still growing up, while you're aging backwards, which is perfectly alright. I know how to handle you, irrespective of how old you are.

I am around even when I am not there. Hang in there, I'll write to you again.

Your precious and most awaited, 
Sister

Here's our signature song - 'Seasons in the sun' by Westlife: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf31kyAb3Z 

Think of me and I'll be there...♬ ❤

"Chance made us sisters; hearts made us friends"

Storm of despair.

There are times in life which show nothing but a dead-end. You do not know who is to blame. In the end, all you do self-incrimination.

I know times and situations do not remain perfect all the time. Rather, most of the times they follow no unblemished pattern. Circumstances are just an outcome of consecutive, back-to-back upshots. I know there are times when you feel there is nothing more to life, but even the darkest of days are not eternal. Miracles do happen, though rarely; mostly, defeat stares in the eyes. And one should have the courage to stare back.

As of now, I do not know what I aim to convey, yet piling my thoughts together. As a matter-of-fact, some events just instigate the least expected out of apparently, very plausible scenarios. I do not know if it is the selfish human nature that kicks in, or the fact that most of us are ready to go an extra mile, however, within our own limitations and comfort zone. This just makes me question relationships and their sancity all the more - does love even exist? Let alone true love. The oddly hour when a certain context exceeds peoples' parameters of acceptance, they usually flip to a one-eighty degree steep turn. Initially, I thought this was surprising. But today, as expected, it hurts me, though, is no longer a bolt from the blue.

To learn that those people are ones who you love the most - immediate family - nothing closer than that, or the closest of friends, inevitably bruises the spirit. It could be your partner, who you think would scale heights, lengths and beyond, to your happiness seems like nothing more than fastasm. Something like this pricking through the vessels of the body is ruthless.

The grimace that captures my eyes and face when I find myself only 'explaining' and 'justifying' my point of view leaves me disgusted and hopeless. I wince at the thought that there is no slightest grind of semblance between myself and the one who means the world to me. Rightly so, no one can keep imposing their pigeoned-vision views on you just because they think they are right. If only, people altered their thoughts beyond their own canvas of what is right or wrong - the world would be a much better place. Confinement within the walls of their own respective individuality and comfort zone is everyone's right and it is right. However, holding a pre-concieved notion towards every single object just complicates the simplest of situations. There should be variation, semblance and agreement upon disagreement.

My thoughts are so smudged, that most of this makes no damned sense. But there comes a duration where you feel abjected. After persistent attempts to establish the simpler scenarios as simplest, and sligtly complicated ones as simple, there is no strength left to resorb any further dents.

There is defeat, right here, right now. From head to toe, everything seems unattainable and forlorn. Like any other human, I also contain a circumscribed capacity to greet humps and dumps.

No one can spend an expanse of a lifetime in convincing someone - be it immediate relationships or friends - in explicating that their sentinment is probable and likely. Frankly, there is a world beyond a comfort domain. Everyone deserves room enough to be their very self inclusive of all sixes and sevens.

Life would be much simpler if there were modification, acceptance and flexibility. Sadly, those who expect the aforesaid from you are most stringent in extending the same towards you.

'Be strong' - now, deems futile. Even the strongest advocates of this phrase have their frail transformations. Because no matter how strong, we all have a compass to absorb illogic, inconsequence and immoderation.

In the end, you only conclude that no relationship in life comes with an untarnished ambience. Not even immediate family, let alone anyone else.


In the end by Linkin Park: www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AWbgkRpYwc

Living In Fake Eternity

Contemplation. Disappointment. Frustration.

Few years in the past, I had heard in a movie that each one of us is entitled a story, with its own turns and roundabouts, the fair share of challenges, the deserved amount of happiness and much more. On new encounters, we form affiliations that introduce others as part of our own plot, and so on. These chronicles develop with the passage of time bridging further connections. Being affected by each other becomes a normal part of the game. Back then, I thought of this as pointless and paranormal. But having traveled a long way, I seem to articulate these events to realise that they held true, back then, and even in today. 

I have seen and eye-witnessed various instances that affix the puzzles back in one piece. However, a brutal and melancholic component is, that this understanding comes only after having had thorns pricked beneath the feet. To fall seamlessly, hurt and be left all on your own is when one knows the true reality of this tale we call 'life'. It is a sorry state to learn the depth of relationships you think mean the world to you. Actually, no. Nothing should mean the world to anyone except their own transcendence. As a matter-of-fact, we get so absorbed in people who are merely present to form part of our story. Such involvement results in loss of self-containment and belief. In this entire worldly sphere, we tend to be partly or somehow liable for things that happen to us. If this alone isn't enough, we are somehow also obligated to claim for situations we face because of others. They don't happen to us because of our own self being, but act as a causative factor of actions performed by characters who become constituents of our fable. It is nothing less than deplorable to find yourself in hitches along the course of life that are a mere eruption of negligence of someone else. Since each one of us is either a cell in our own body or a cell to someone else's story, no one reserves the right to bring you a dull moment. If you find yourself in a mess, thanks to imprudence of someone else, they should retain modesty to clear your path ahead. Commodities be used, please, and humans be loved - sadly, this has resulted otherwise today. Because, yes, in brutal honesty, we all factor as characters' to one and others' play of life. Like wisdom by some considerate soul will light you up, hearty and blithe; indiscreet and cursory behavior will transmute one as glum, dismal and tearful. 

Disconsolate as always, reality is far more pensive than these wishful thoughts. Unfortunately, nothing comes close. Finding yourself in distress has only one solution - live through it. Somehow, after these all years, I have the strength to conform to this tragic verity. No marvel ever happens to set things right in life. We get affected by hurtful actions which root to losing trust and faith. Emotions, that are availed to advantages and create breeding grounds for further stabbing disappointments. It is only deleterious to ingest that those you think will hold you when you fall are the ones to push you off when you stumble. It is only a fairy-tale where you can possibly assimilate a miracle, larger than life, to happen and furbish all blemishes off, not this legend called life.

In all consciousness of a female, we gravitate that some day, a man will polish all the rough surfaces we ever laid our eyes upon, and only make the palate spark with glory and righteousness. In most cases, this renders as prevarication. So, ladies, the only man, most likely, in your life who will scale heights and take anything, come what may, to make you smile is your father. 

It feels like liquefaction into a quicksand of despair to get wind of the harsh corporeality. No relationship in life comes with any guarantee of virtue, wholeness and contentment. For those it does, should consider it as blest of divine grace. For those that it doesn't - the idea shouldn't be foreign. Completely unbiased, it may be a woman for a man or vice versa, or a relation with an absolutely different nature such as friendship.

The only helping hand you will find at the end of the day stands at the end of your own arm. It's all, literally,  you, yourself, your fibers, pulses, nerves and feelings... It's all about you. Be the guide of your own conscience. If circumstances fall beyond your shock absorption capacity, the only agent to lift your brim is your own spirit.

With each trace of ruthlessness, all I feel is stronger. After a while, even the lights will dim away if there is lack of activation and glint inside your own soul. 

Rightly they say, "Insaan dunya mei akela ata hai or akela hi chala jata hai."

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVGGIalF66k

After a while, even the lights cease to flicker.

Because there is strength in your differences, and comfort where they overlap.

This world welcomes every heartbeat to life surrounded by relationships - parents, siblings, friends, lover and so on. Most of us think: having blessed with these relations is no big deal. We all open eyes to see our mothers stay awake at 3 o clock in the morning when we cry as toddlers, our fathers running here and there to mint money and provide a comfortable life. Our siblings, who bond to become a source of pleasurable ease. Some of us are raised in a lap of luxury, and the rest make their ways through the grains and morsels of wheat, somehow climb the ladder with the help of the relationships they find around. 

Very few experience the sacred arousal brought by true love. It is so rare, rather nonexistent, that, at times one wants to resort to the notion that it is no more than an illusion in this contemporary world. Someone who finds the light to this path is more than fortunate; while the rest, simply think of it as 'extinct.' 

With the summation of all this, the story doesn't end there. The soulful glories begin where the events of a usual degree cease. There are connections in life that are beyond any literal meaning. They require no entitlement of a material relationship as that of a husband, mother, daughter, sister - none whatsoever. They are of exceptional ability, castled through a novel lead of events. They hold no contingency to the customary rituals of a general, expected pattern. Greatly off-beat and unhackneyed, they enter through corners and imbibe in the soul, the blood and its contact with the ingredients that form the pulses of human nature. They collide in arrangement and circumstance and largely beyond the obvious. They soak up the moisture through pores and interstices from the environment, tension, and distressed minds. Having wiped the baggage and burden, these ligaments cleave ties that are beyond the parameters of definition and entitlement. Out of the ordinary, the restlessness quilts to transform into solace, immense gratification and ease. 

Upon fusion to this, many of us will confront this feeling as 'love' - the idea may not always be true. For some, it will always be a close fight, a dilemma of what such a binding should be termed as. Having said so, this obscured  tie could be strong and emphatic in its own circle of style. It is just about fitting into the haphazard puzzle of life. Forming a relation as this, you prick and click the next second to experience an intense sigh of relief. Perhaps, an impeccable respite that no tangible association can fetch to one's heart and mind. 

At certain points in life, such attachments may exceed in stature than all palpable relationships inclusive of love. This is unseen, imperceptible, yet convincingly soothing in a unique way. It can be enchanting, platonic and gifted. 

Keys to such doors are rare to discover. If some eternity of a similar sort walks to you, it is worth more than just gratification. It may be a reward or a road to meed - one can't be sure. It is simply knitting and there to stay. Don't roll in confusion and switches because once the soul tastes it, it will know what's more than worth and what isn't. 

Because there is strength in your differences, and comfort where they overlap.

'Dur' by Strings: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3132U-G6fg

On the lining of the soul

You finally come to peace when being afraid carves inside your soul.

In the most stressful times, I end up concluding that I don't like living. It demands way too much energy, strength and courage than I think I have. But I have never really understood, or let understand, whether I am talking about living in today, or living in tomorrow. An unseen tomorrow, full of ambiguity, uncertainty along with the 'buts' and 'what ifs' has fabricated every particle of today in to a facade. A facade, through which, probably very few can sneak. And somehow, this window dressing is an essential key to survival these days. The dark realities of tomorrow are so blogged inside the head, that they make stand every hair follicle of our bodies to stand to attention - the attention that we employ towards painting a tomorrow. 

When I come to think of it, I have never really lived my present. 

As I sprang out of my mother's womb, I made my way up the ladder and grew into a child. Since then, every day is a race. A fast moving heat which absorbs me so much in the darker sides of a horrific tomorrow, that my pulse and heartbeat only directs itself in either getting eroded by its thought, or gets me on toes to resolve the issues that I think 'might' occur - because they are still unseen.

There are times when I fight for peace, and rest of the times, I simply cave in to the atrocities of the present dismissing them as part of the cliched setup and lifestyle we live in. But now I feel, struggling for a conjecture of life that 'may' occur is pointless and vague. Worry becomes a breaking point, where you lose yourself in the palpable destructive eruptions of tomorrow, resulting in a dull moment of the present. I don't think I can ever attain peace in running towards an end which is written yet unseen. One minute, I want to really live in the moment and see how it feels; the next moment I want to pave a beautiful offing. This does hold true, thanks to the notion - a stringent today leads to a better morrow. But since I do not know the number of breaths I am entitled, all my efforts might go in vain. Precisely, I never fully lived a day just to ensure a soothing prospective chapter - the thought is not pleasing.

As a little girl, I built a crystal palace, very exuberant and enchanting. But I never entered inside it because I thought there is always a right time for everything. As a youngster, I thought my job was only to gain the best possible education, yield the maximum output out of it. When I sat and wondered, I thought of magnificence as a chapter of my life which hasn't yet begun. A chapter - which will be real and better than my dreams. However, having lived for all these years, I have understood that there is no overnight happening miracle which will lead me to my palace, where I will be the empress of my kingdom. There is no key to an eternity of tension-less and bright culmination in this world. Life will move around in form of a big dipper. With its shifts of upheaval to legato passages, it will expose itself in so many unimaginable, inconceivable highs and lows of compact and lean substances. 

It took so long to fathom this unnerving world. After persistent disrupts of composure, I construed the actuality independent of all other realities. I really wonder how long it will take to live in an earthly sphere of now and not a realm of dubiety - that we call our 'future.'

So many years were long enough to understand this. But it is never too late. 2012 may be not materially a successful year, but I guess, so far, most challenging yet thriving in its own way. When you come to reason your own fears and emotions is where your books begins. This is the first step towards shining alight with peace.... sometime, some day, sooner, than soon. 

This is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten.

Fears of the Fall

Autumn with its one million colours of mauve, rust and yellow ended. Leaving memories, some pleasant, and the rest not-so-pleasant... oh well. As winter is drawing in, I feel myself stagnating into an abyss of glumness. Perhaps, the effect of weather spreading the somberness all around me, through every aching bone in my body. The feeling honeycombs within, filling the mind and heart with hopelessness. Although, I am not sure if weather alone is the reason behind the melancholy; however, it seems like one of the most apparent causes. If so, weather alone can become a leading factor to many things in life. 

I steep into this cavity often. I don't know what is the force behind it? But it feels as if the mind is flooded with a billion thoughts, as undefined in the subconscious memory, as if they are unknown to my actual existence. It takes less than a fraction of a second to drown into this emptiness, but requires a fast-pulling force to sneak out of it. Some call it depression; the rest call it a hormonal imbalance.  I think of it as something else entirely. Precisely, it's the biggest problem of my life. This race needs to end, these thoughts need to curtail. Somewhere, something tells what could lead to these clustered sequences of drab and fade; yet a part of me wants to explore beyond the obvious. I am on my mettle to figure out what it is.

Inner peace - where are you?

Lost in the chasm of space and time

Comes the dawn: with the grace of a woman; not a grief of a child.

I know that there are times when loving someone becomes difficult and that we are bound to get hurt from time to time. Then you realise that after a while you learn, that life does go on...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead. With the grace of woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After a while, that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn, and you learn with every goodbye, you learn. 

Then, After "after a while" you change, and build your hopes again. And pray that maybe this time it will be different. And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have.

After "AFTER A WHILE",

After 'after a while', you want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.After 'after a while', you begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.After 'after a while', you want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold, and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden. And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.Then, you'll see that there is such a thing as love, and that you were made to live in someone else's garden, and you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.

AND NOW,

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can.And then, you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations. And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions, doesn't mean you're always right.You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul; not only because of the sweet kisses.And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be.

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world, head on... With or without an army behind you. Because you know your worth and that alone is an amour.

With more heartbreaks you will cry; but after every heartache, you will rise.

Life is a garden... It takes long to make it beautiful. But it's always worth the wait.

Elegance is in the heart.