In the most stressful times, I end up concluding that I don't like living. It demands way too much energy, strength and courage than I think I have. But I have never really understood, or let understand, whether I am talking about living in today, or living in tomorrow. An unseen tomorrow, full of ambiguity, uncertainty along with the 'buts' and 'what ifs' has fabricated every particle of today in to a facade. A facade, through which, probably very few can sneak. And somehow, this window dressing is an essential key to survival these days. The dark realities of tomorrow are so blogged inside the head, that they make stand every hair follicle of our bodies to stand to attention - the attention that we employ towards painting a tomorrow.
When I come to think of it, I have never really lived my present.
As I sprang out of my mother's womb, I made my way up the ladder and grew into a child. Since then, every day is a race. A fast moving heat which absorbs me so much in the darker sides of a horrific tomorrow, that my pulse and heartbeat only directs itself in either getting eroded by its thought, or gets me on toes to resolve the issues that I think 'might' occur - because they are still unseen.
There are times when I fight for peace, and rest of the times, I simply cave in to the atrocities of the present dismissing them as part of the cliched setup and lifestyle we live in. But now I feel, struggling for a conjecture of life that 'may' occur is pointless and vague. Worry becomes a breaking point, where you lose yourself in the palpable destructive eruptions of tomorrow, resulting in a dull moment of the present. I don't think I can ever attain peace in running towards an end which is written yet unseen. One minute, I want to really live in the moment and see how it feels; the next moment I want to pave a beautiful offing. This does hold true, thanks to the notion - a stringent today leads to a better morrow. But since I do not know the number of breaths I am entitled, all my efforts might go in vain. Precisely, I never fully lived a day just to ensure a soothing prospective chapter - the thought is not pleasing.
As a little girl, I built a crystal palace, very exuberant and enchanting. But I never entered inside it because I thought there is always a right time for everything. As a youngster, I thought my job was only to gain the best possible education, yield the maximum output out of it. When I sat and wondered, I thought of magnificence as a chapter of my life which hasn't yet begun. A chapter - which will be real and better than my dreams. However, having lived for all these years, I have understood that there is no overnight happening miracle which will lead me to my palace, where I will be the empress of my kingdom. There is no key to an eternity of tension-less and bright culmination in this world. Life will move around in form of a big dipper. With its shifts of upheaval to legato passages, it will expose itself in so many unimaginable, inconceivable highs and lows of compact and lean substances.
It took so long to fathom this unnerving world. After persistent disrupts of composure, I construed the actuality independent of all other realities. I really wonder how long it will take to live in an earthly sphere of now and not a realm of dubiety - that we call our 'future.'
So many years were long enough to understand this. But it is never too late. 2012 may be not materially a successful year, but I guess, so far, most challenging yet thriving in its own way. When you come to reason your own fears and emotions is where your books begins. This is the first step towards shining alight with peace.... sometime, some day, sooner, than soon.
When I come to think of it, I have never really lived my present.
As I sprang out of my mother's womb, I made my way up the ladder and grew into a child. Since then, every day is a race. A fast moving heat which absorbs me so much in the darker sides of a horrific tomorrow, that my pulse and heartbeat only directs itself in either getting eroded by its thought, or gets me on toes to resolve the issues that I think 'might' occur - because they are still unseen.
There are times when I fight for peace, and rest of the times, I simply cave in to the atrocities of the present dismissing them as part of the cliched setup and lifestyle we live in. But now I feel, struggling for a conjecture of life that 'may' occur is pointless and vague. Worry becomes a breaking point, where you lose yourself in the palpable destructive eruptions of tomorrow, resulting in a dull moment of the present. I don't think I can ever attain peace in running towards an end which is written yet unseen. One minute, I want to really live in the moment and see how it feels; the next moment I want to pave a beautiful offing. This does hold true, thanks to the notion - a stringent today leads to a better morrow. But since I do not know the number of breaths I am entitled, all my efforts might go in vain. Precisely, I never fully lived a day just to ensure a soothing prospective chapter - the thought is not pleasing.
As a little girl, I built a crystal palace, very exuberant and enchanting. But I never entered inside it because I thought there is always a right time for everything. As a youngster, I thought my job was only to gain the best possible education, yield the maximum output out of it. When I sat and wondered, I thought of magnificence as a chapter of my life which hasn't yet begun. A chapter - which will be real and better than my dreams. However, having lived for all these years, I have understood that there is no overnight happening miracle which will lead me to my palace, where I will be the empress of my kingdom. There is no key to an eternity of tension-less and bright culmination in this world. Life will move around in form of a big dipper. With its shifts of upheaval to legato passages, it will expose itself in so many unimaginable, inconceivable highs and lows of compact and lean substances.
It took so long to fathom this unnerving world. After persistent disrupts of composure, I construed the actuality independent of all other realities. I really wonder how long it will take to live in an earthly sphere of now and not a realm of dubiety - that we call our 'future.'
So many years were long enough to understand this. But it is never too late. 2012 may be not materially a successful year, but I guess, so far, most challenging yet thriving in its own way. When you come to reason your own fears and emotions is where your books begins. This is the first step towards shining alight with peace.... sometime, some day, sooner, than soon.
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| This is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten. |
Great read. I guess a lot of people could associate with this article regarding their constant day-to-day upheaval struggle to have better future hence end up destroying their present.
ReplyDeleteHave a blessed 2013 (and come to London).
- A : P
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present is!
ReplyDeleteVery well written my caterpillar :p
ReplyDelete