Storm of despair.

There are times in life which show nothing but a dead-end. You do not know who is to blame. In the end, all you do self-incrimination.

I know times and situations do not remain perfect all the time. Rather, most of the times they follow no unblemished pattern. Circumstances are just an outcome of consecutive, back-to-back upshots. I know there are times when you feel there is nothing more to life, but even the darkest of days are not eternal. Miracles do happen, though rarely; mostly, defeat stares in the eyes. And one should have the courage to stare back.

As of now, I do not know what I aim to convey, yet piling my thoughts together. As a matter-of-fact, some events just instigate the least expected out of apparently, very plausible scenarios. I do not know if it is the selfish human nature that kicks in, or the fact that most of us are ready to go an extra mile, however, within our own limitations and comfort zone. This just makes me question relationships and their sancity all the more - does love even exist? Let alone true love. The oddly hour when a certain context exceeds peoples' parameters of acceptance, they usually flip to a one-eighty degree steep turn. Initially, I thought this was surprising. But today, as expected, it hurts me, though, is no longer a bolt from the blue.

To learn that those people are ones who you love the most - immediate family - nothing closer than that, or the closest of friends, inevitably bruises the spirit. It could be your partner, who you think would scale heights, lengths and beyond, to your happiness seems like nothing more than fastasm. Something like this pricking through the vessels of the body is ruthless.

The grimace that captures my eyes and face when I find myself only 'explaining' and 'justifying' my point of view leaves me disgusted and hopeless. I wince at the thought that there is no slightest grind of semblance between myself and the one who means the world to me. Rightly so, no one can keep imposing their pigeoned-vision views on you just because they think they are right. If only, people altered their thoughts beyond their own canvas of what is right or wrong - the world would be a much better place. Confinement within the walls of their own respective individuality and comfort zone is everyone's right and it is right. However, holding a pre-concieved notion towards every single object just complicates the simplest of situations. There should be variation, semblance and agreement upon disagreement.

My thoughts are so smudged, that most of this makes no damned sense. But there comes a duration where you feel abjected. After persistent attempts to establish the simpler scenarios as simplest, and sligtly complicated ones as simple, there is no strength left to resorb any further dents.

There is defeat, right here, right now. From head to toe, everything seems unattainable and forlorn. Like any other human, I also contain a circumscribed capacity to greet humps and dumps.

No one can spend an expanse of a lifetime in convincing someone - be it immediate relationships or friends - in explicating that their sentinment is probable and likely. Frankly, there is a world beyond a comfort domain. Everyone deserves room enough to be their very self inclusive of all sixes and sevens.

Life would be much simpler if there were modification, acceptance and flexibility. Sadly, those who expect the aforesaid from you are most stringent in extending the same towards you.

'Be strong' - now, deems futile. Even the strongest advocates of this phrase have their frail transformations. Because no matter how strong, we all have a compass to absorb illogic, inconsequence and immoderation.

In the end, you only conclude that no relationship in life comes with an untarnished ambience. Not even immediate family, let alone anyone else.


In the end by Linkin Park: www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AWbgkRpYwc

Living In Fake Eternity

Contemplation. Disappointment. Frustration.

Few years in the past, I had heard in a movie that each one of us is entitled a story, with its own turns and roundabouts, the fair share of challenges, the deserved amount of happiness and much more. On new encounters, we form affiliations that introduce others as part of our own plot, and so on. These chronicles develop with the passage of time bridging further connections. Being affected by each other becomes a normal part of the game. Back then, I thought of this as pointless and paranormal. But having traveled a long way, I seem to articulate these events to realise that they held true, back then, and even in today. 

I have seen and eye-witnessed various instances that affix the puzzles back in one piece. However, a brutal and melancholic component is, that this understanding comes only after having had thorns pricked beneath the feet. To fall seamlessly, hurt and be left all on your own is when one knows the true reality of this tale we call 'life'. It is a sorry state to learn the depth of relationships you think mean the world to you. Actually, no. Nothing should mean the world to anyone except their own transcendence. As a matter-of-fact, we get so absorbed in people who are merely present to form part of our story. Such involvement results in loss of self-containment and belief. In this entire worldly sphere, we tend to be partly or somehow liable for things that happen to us. If this alone isn't enough, we are somehow also obligated to claim for situations we face because of others. They don't happen to us because of our own self being, but act as a causative factor of actions performed by characters who become constituents of our fable. It is nothing less than deplorable to find yourself in hitches along the course of life that are a mere eruption of negligence of someone else. Since each one of us is either a cell in our own body or a cell to someone else's story, no one reserves the right to bring you a dull moment. If you find yourself in a mess, thanks to imprudence of someone else, they should retain modesty to clear your path ahead. Commodities be used, please, and humans be loved - sadly, this has resulted otherwise today. Because, yes, in brutal honesty, we all factor as characters' to one and others' play of life. Like wisdom by some considerate soul will light you up, hearty and blithe; indiscreet and cursory behavior will transmute one as glum, dismal and tearful. 

Disconsolate as always, reality is far more pensive than these wishful thoughts. Unfortunately, nothing comes close. Finding yourself in distress has only one solution - live through it. Somehow, after these all years, I have the strength to conform to this tragic verity. No marvel ever happens to set things right in life. We get affected by hurtful actions which root to losing trust and faith. Emotions, that are availed to advantages and create breeding grounds for further stabbing disappointments. It is only deleterious to ingest that those you think will hold you when you fall are the ones to push you off when you stumble. It is only a fairy-tale where you can possibly assimilate a miracle, larger than life, to happen and furbish all blemishes off, not this legend called life.

In all consciousness of a female, we gravitate that some day, a man will polish all the rough surfaces we ever laid our eyes upon, and only make the palate spark with glory and righteousness. In most cases, this renders as prevarication. So, ladies, the only man, most likely, in your life who will scale heights and take anything, come what may, to make you smile is your father. 

It feels like liquefaction into a quicksand of despair to get wind of the harsh corporeality. No relationship in life comes with any guarantee of virtue, wholeness and contentment. For those it does, should consider it as blest of divine grace. For those that it doesn't - the idea shouldn't be foreign. Completely unbiased, it may be a woman for a man or vice versa, or a relation with an absolutely different nature such as friendship.

The only helping hand you will find at the end of the day stands at the end of your own arm. It's all, literally,  you, yourself, your fibers, pulses, nerves and feelings... It's all about you. Be the guide of your own conscience. If circumstances fall beyond your shock absorption capacity, the only agent to lift your brim is your own spirit.

With each trace of ruthlessness, all I feel is stronger. After a while, even the lights will dim away if there is lack of activation and glint inside your own soul. 

Rightly they say, "Insaan dunya mei akela ata hai or akela hi chala jata hai."

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVGGIalF66k

After a while, even the lights cease to flicker.

Because there is strength in your differences, and comfort where they overlap.

This world welcomes every heartbeat to life surrounded by relationships - parents, siblings, friends, lover and so on. Most of us think: having blessed with these relations is no big deal. We all open eyes to see our mothers stay awake at 3 o clock in the morning when we cry as toddlers, our fathers running here and there to mint money and provide a comfortable life. Our siblings, who bond to become a source of pleasurable ease. Some of us are raised in a lap of luxury, and the rest make their ways through the grains and morsels of wheat, somehow climb the ladder with the help of the relationships they find around. 

Very few experience the sacred arousal brought by true love. It is so rare, rather nonexistent, that, at times one wants to resort to the notion that it is no more than an illusion in this contemporary world. Someone who finds the light to this path is more than fortunate; while the rest, simply think of it as 'extinct.' 

With the summation of all this, the story doesn't end there. The soulful glories begin where the events of a usual degree cease. There are connections in life that are beyond any literal meaning. They require no entitlement of a material relationship as that of a husband, mother, daughter, sister - none whatsoever. They are of exceptional ability, castled through a novel lead of events. They hold no contingency to the customary rituals of a general, expected pattern. Greatly off-beat and unhackneyed, they enter through corners and imbibe in the soul, the blood and its contact with the ingredients that form the pulses of human nature. They collide in arrangement and circumstance and largely beyond the obvious. They soak up the moisture through pores and interstices from the environment, tension, and distressed minds. Having wiped the baggage and burden, these ligaments cleave ties that are beyond the parameters of definition and entitlement. Out of the ordinary, the restlessness quilts to transform into solace, immense gratification and ease. 

Upon fusion to this, many of us will confront this feeling as 'love' - the idea may not always be true. For some, it will always be a close fight, a dilemma of what such a binding should be termed as. Having said so, this obscured  tie could be strong and emphatic in its own circle of style. It is just about fitting into the haphazard puzzle of life. Forming a relation as this, you prick and click the next second to experience an intense sigh of relief. Perhaps, an impeccable respite that no tangible association can fetch to one's heart and mind. 

At certain points in life, such attachments may exceed in stature than all palpable relationships inclusive of love. This is unseen, imperceptible, yet convincingly soothing in a unique way. It can be enchanting, platonic and gifted. 

Keys to such doors are rare to discover. If some eternity of a similar sort walks to you, it is worth more than just gratification. It may be a reward or a road to meed - one can't be sure. It is simply knitting and there to stay. Don't roll in confusion and switches because once the soul tastes it, it will know what's more than worth and what isn't. 

Because there is strength in your differences, and comfort where they overlap.

'Dur' by Strings: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3132U-G6fg

On the lining of the soul

You finally come to peace when being afraid carves inside your soul.

In the most stressful times, I end up concluding that I don't like living. It demands way too much energy, strength and courage than I think I have. But I have never really understood, or let understand, whether I am talking about living in today, or living in tomorrow. An unseen tomorrow, full of ambiguity, uncertainty along with the 'buts' and 'what ifs' has fabricated every particle of today in to a facade. A facade, through which, probably very few can sneak. And somehow, this window dressing is an essential key to survival these days. The dark realities of tomorrow are so blogged inside the head, that they make stand every hair follicle of our bodies to stand to attention - the attention that we employ towards painting a tomorrow. 

When I come to think of it, I have never really lived my present. 

As I sprang out of my mother's womb, I made my way up the ladder and grew into a child. Since then, every day is a race. A fast moving heat which absorbs me so much in the darker sides of a horrific tomorrow, that my pulse and heartbeat only directs itself in either getting eroded by its thought, or gets me on toes to resolve the issues that I think 'might' occur - because they are still unseen.

There are times when I fight for peace, and rest of the times, I simply cave in to the atrocities of the present dismissing them as part of the cliched setup and lifestyle we live in. But now I feel, struggling for a conjecture of life that 'may' occur is pointless and vague. Worry becomes a breaking point, where you lose yourself in the palpable destructive eruptions of tomorrow, resulting in a dull moment of the present. I don't think I can ever attain peace in running towards an end which is written yet unseen. One minute, I want to really live in the moment and see how it feels; the next moment I want to pave a beautiful offing. This does hold true, thanks to the notion - a stringent today leads to a better morrow. But since I do not know the number of breaths I am entitled, all my efforts might go in vain. Precisely, I never fully lived a day just to ensure a soothing prospective chapter - the thought is not pleasing.

As a little girl, I built a crystal palace, very exuberant and enchanting. But I never entered inside it because I thought there is always a right time for everything. As a youngster, I thought my job was only to gain the best possible education, yield the maximum output out of it. When I sat and wondered, I thought of magnificence as a chapter of my life which hasn't yet begun. A chapter - which will be real and better than my dreams. However, having lived for all these years, I have understood that there is no overnight happening miracle which will lead me to my palace, where I will be the empress of my kingdom. There is no key to an eternity of tension-less and bright culmination in this world. Life will move around in form of a big dipper. With its shifts of upheaval to legato passages, it will expose itself in so many unimaginable, inconceivable highs and lows of compact and lean substances. 

It took so long to fathom this unnerving world. After persistent disrupts of composure, I construed the actuality independent of all other realities. I really wonder how long it will take to live in an earthly sphere of now and not a realm of dubiety - that we call our 'future.'

So many years were long enough to understand this. But it is never too late. 2012 may be not materially a successful year, but I guess, so far, most challenging yet thriving in its own way. When you come to reason your own fears and emotions is where your books begins. This is the first step towards shining alight with peace.... sometime, some day, sooner, than soon. 

This is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten.

Fears of the Fall

Autumn with its one million colours of mauve, rust and yellow ended. Leaving memories, some pleasant, and the rest not-so-pleasant... oh well. As winter is drawing in, I feel myself stagnating into an abyss of glumness. Perhaps, the effect of weather spreading the somberness all around me, through every aching bone in my body. The feeling honeycombs within, filling the mind and heart with hopelessness. Although, I am not sure if weather alone is the reason behind the melancholy; however, it seems like one of the most apparent causes. If so, weather alone can become a leading factor to many things in life. 

I steep into this cavity often. I don't know what is the force behind it? But it feels as if the mind is flooded with a billion thoughts, as undefined in the subconscious memory, as if they are unknown to my actual existence. It takes less than a fraction of a second to drown into this emptiness, but requires a fast-pulling force to sneak out of it. Some call it depression; the rest call it a hormonal imbalance.  I think of it as something else entirely. Precisely, it's the biggest problem of my life. This race needs to end, these thoughts need to curtail. Somewhere, something tells what could lead to these clustered sequences of drab and fade; yet a part of me wants to explore beyond the obvious. I am on my mettle to figure out what it is.

Inner peace - where are you?

Lost in the chasm of space and time

Comes the dawn: with the grace of a woman; not a grief of a child.

I know that there are times when loving someone becomes difficult and that we are bound to get hurt from time to time. Then you realise that after a while you learn, that life does go on...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead. With the grace of woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After a while, that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn, and you learn with every goodbye, you learn. 

Then, After "after a while" you change, and build your hopes again. And pray that maybe this time it will be different. And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have.

After "AFTER A WHILE",

After 'after a while', you want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.After 'after a while', you begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.After 'after a while', you want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold, and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden. And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.Then, you'll see that there is such a thing as love, and that you were made to live in someone else's garden, and you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.

AND NOW,

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can.And then, you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations. And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions, doesn't mean you're always right.You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul; not only because of the sweet kisses.And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be.

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world, head on... With or without an army behind you. Because you know your worth and that alone is an amour.

With more heartbreaks you will cry; but after every heartache, you will rise.

Life is a garden... It takes long to make it beautiful. But it's always worth the wait.

Elegance is in the heart.

Mujhe meri zaat chahiye. Mujhe meri zaat kyun nahi milti?

Presently, the Pakistani media is flooded with numerous morning shows and serials. In the midst of these, Sheh-re-zaat emerged as one of the marvelously shot novels, that makes you forget that there is a screen between the audience and actors. Its transparency diffused the curtain between the stage and the viewers. Out of several works such as Hamsafar, by Sarmad Sultan Khoosat, Sheh-re-zaat has taken precedence over many others. The story line by Umera Ahmed, who has been one of the best writers and directors; her series of hits include Qaid-e-Tanhai, Meri zaat zarra-e-benishaan and Doraha; Sheh-re-zaat has added on to her list of credible highlights.

The plot revolves around Falak, who is precisely an embodiment of beauty and brains. Belonging to the elite class, she enjoys being a paradigm of prime focus of her parents and friends. She is the centre of attention and never been deprived of anything. Concisely, she controlled her world of endless desires and luxuries. Herself, a very pampered daughter of rich parents gets her way faster than she would blink. The usual happens when she falls in love with a handsome man called Salman. After a trial of initial resistance from Salman, he succumbs to Falak's wishes and they lavishly tie the knot. The grand wedding takes place attracting the attention of all high end parties in the society, following a lucullan feast. Life keeps bringing on-going parcels of excitement for Falak until destiny finally decides to doom her. Seemingly, without reason, Salman starts behaving strangely distant. Falak burns the candles to resolve the issue at a personal level, until she learns of her husband's extra marital affair with a worker in his factory. In all aggression, she decides to meet the new woman to ask her to take a dignified leave out of her husband's life. To her shock, the woman turns out to be ugly and loose in character. With that, Falak contemplates over the true purpose of life. Instead of forcing Tabinda away, she permits Salman to marry her. The blatant rejection by her beloved was enough for her to ponder about the driving force behind the whole universe. She begins to explore the actual value of possessions. She contemplates more deeply about nature and destiny. It was no less than falling off the seventh sky into a deep pit; she continues to cover her journey full of stones that pricked beneath her feet. Hopelessly, she started; however, attained victory. At last, Falak reasons every single breath she took, every clot of blood in her body and how this entire world is subject to immortality.

Falak eventually becomes the true achiever. Her husband reverts to her - who was shattered by Tabinda's betrayal. He finds that his wife had reformed wholly in terms of spirituality and belief, who now directed herself only to the Creator and not any finite affection. She extends compassion towards the Supreme Power who she discovers at the forsaking by her own husband, who once was the emperor of her kingdom.

Sheh-re-zaat, to me, has come beyond just a serial. I am not an avid serial follower; yet, this has by far been the most profound and impacting story outlines I have come across. The beautiful change in the woman just by believing in the power of nature elevated her integrity up another level. One aligns to the fact that every form worship is futile except the one directed to Him. The ultimate belief in Him safeguards the soul of a human off any blemishes. You reach a point when bowing to him activates a sequence of ridding of any undesired sediments. This entire practice is one of divinity, a cleansing of the walls of one's spirit that leads to a catharsis. To attain peace, the best way is to undergo an emotional purge to the satisfaction of one's mind, which ultimately outer performs every other material resource.

Falak walks across the righteous door by breaking the sculpture she made of a man and had found Salman to be a breathing manifestation of it. She places faith in her Master and regards every form of relationship as imperfect except God. Rightly so, "Dunya ki har muhabbat ko zawaal hai."

If only we signify, this earthly journey is precious and an ideology as strong can save lives eternally. For every breath is meditation and understanding the combination can transform your life.

Sheh-re-zaat: Full of deep life learning lessons. A course to recharging faith from scratch such that you stop fearing your future; it strengths the soul to build a connection where all you need is Him; challenges so massive that jog you to your destination - "Dil ajeeb shehar hai, ajeeb cheezain maangta hai, ajeeb cheezain kerne ko kehta hai" - An epic ending that makes you tear eyed yet complete in the best ever way that there is. An ending that cultivates in you an urge strong enough to revise, reform and remain.

“Allah Ki Mohabbat Ke Siwa, Har Mohabbat Ko Zawal Hai.
Aur Rab Asliyat Dekha Deta Hai. Har Rishte, Har Mohabbat Ki. 
Phir Wo Sab Kuch Dekha Ker Adami Se Kehta Hai, 
"Ab Bata, Tera Mere Siwa Kon Hai?”