You finally come to peace when being afraid carves inside your soul.

In the most stressful times, I end up concluding that I don't like living. It demands way too much energy, strength and courage than I think I have. But I have never really understood, or let understand, whether I am talking about living in today, or living in tomorrow. An unseen tomorrow, full of ambiguity, uncertainty along with the 'buts' and 'what ifs' has fabricated every particle of today in to a facade. A facade, through which, probably very few can sneak. And somehow, this window dressing is an essential key to survival these days. The dark realities of tomorrow are so blogged inside the head, that they make stand every hair follicle of our bodies to stand to attention - the attention that we employ towards painting a tomorrow. 

When I come to think of it, I have never really lived my present. 

As I sprang out of my mother's womb, I made my way up the ladder and grew into a child. Since then, every day is a race. A fast moving heat which absorbs me so much in the darker sides of a horrific tomorrow, that my pulse and heartbeat only directs itself in either getting eroded by its thought, or gets me on toes to resolve the issues that I think 'might' occur - because they are still unseen.

There are times when I fight for peace, and rest of the times, I simply cave in to the atrocities of the present dismissing them as part of the cliched setup and lifestyle we live in. But now I feel, struggling for a conjecture of life that 'may' occur is pointless and vague. Worry becomes a breaking point, where you lose yourself in the palpable destructive eruptions of tomorrow, resulting in a dull moment of the present. I don't think I can ever attain peace in running towards an end which is written yet unseen. One minute, I want to really live in the moment and see how it feels; the next moment I want to pave a beautiful offing. This does hold true, thanks to the notion - a stringent today leads to a better morrow. But since I do not know the number of breaths I am entitled, all my efforts might go in vain. Precisely, I never fully lived a day just to ensure a soothing prospective chapter - the thought is not pleasing.

As a little girl, I built a crystal palace, very exuberant and enchanting. But I never entered inside it because I thought there is always a right time for everything. As a youngster, I thought my job was only to gain the best possible education, yield the maximum output out of it. When I sat and wondered, I thought of magnificence as a chapter of my life which hasn't yet begun. A chapter - which will be real and better than my dreams. However, having lived for all these years, I have understood that there is no overnight happening miracle which will lead me to my palace, where I will be the empress of my kingdom. There is no key to an eternity of tension-less and bright culmination in this world. Life will move around in form of a big dipper. With its shifts of upheaval to legato passages, it will expose itself in so many unimaginable, inconceivable highs and lows of compact and lean substances. 

It took so long to fathom this unnerving world. After persistent disrupts of composure, I construed the actuality independent of all other realities. I really wonder how long it will take to live in an earthly sphere of now and not a realm of dubiety - that we call our 'future.'

So many years were long enough to understand this. But it is never too late. 2012 may be not materially a successful year, but I guess, so far, most challenging yet thriving in its own way. When you come to reason your own fears and emotions is where your books begins. This is the first step towards shining alight with peace.... sometime, some day, sooner, than soon. 

This is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten.

Fears of the Fall

Autumn with its one million colours of mauve, rust and yellow ended. Leaving memories, some pleasant, and the rest not-so-pleasant... oh well. As winter is drawing in, I feel myself stagnating into an abyss of glumness. Perhaps, the effect of weather spreading the somberness all around me, through every aching bone in my body. The feeling honeycombs within, filling the mind and heart with hopelessness. Although, I am not sure if weather alone is the reason behind the melancholy; however, it seems like one of the most apparent causes. If so, weather alone can become a leading factor to many things in life. 

I steep into this cavity often. I don't know what is the force behind it? But it feels as if the mind is flooded with a billion thoughts, as undefined in the subconscious memory, as if they are unknown to my actual existence. It takes less than a fraction of a second to drown into this emptiness, but requires a fast-pulling force to sneak out of it. Some call it depression; the rest call it a hormonal imbalance.  I think of it as something else entirely. Precisely, it's the biggest problem of my life. This race needs to end, these thoughts need to curtail. Somewhere, something tells what could lead to these clustered sequences of drab and fade; yet a part of me wants to explore beyond the obvious. I am on my mettle to figure out what it is.

Inner peace - where are you?

Lost in the chasm of space and time

Comes the dawn: with the grace of a woman; not a grief of a child.

I know that there are times when loving someone becomes difficult and that we are bound to get hurt from time to time. Then you realise that after a while you learn, that life does go on...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead. With the grace of woman, not the grief of a child. 

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After a while, that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn, and you learn with every goodbye, you learn. 

Then, After "after a while" you change, and build your hopes again. And pray that maybe this time it will be different. And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have.

After "AFTER A WHILE",

After 'after a while', you want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.After 'after a while', you begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.After 'after a while', you want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold, and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden. And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.Then, you'll see that there is such a thing as love, and that you were made to live in someone else's garden, and you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.

AND NOW,

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can.And then, you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations. And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions, doesn't mean you're always right.You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul; not only because of the sweet kisses.And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be.

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world, head on... With or without an army behind you. Because you know your worth and that alone is an amour.

With more heartbreaks you will cry; but after every heartache, you will rise.

Life is a garden... It takes long to make it beautiful. But it's always worth the wait.

Elegance is in the heart.