Vitiated

Relationships--they are what we make of them.

An assumption when 'relationships' are being talked of is a typical romantic tale of two hearts. For the love of God, these stereotypes need to fade out. 

Relationships can be any: parenthood, sisterhood, friendship. The parameter of a relationship is not restricted to a romantic husband-wife one, for that matter.

Now that we have finally come to terms with the fact that the canvas of relationships is broad, the question is:  what it's worth. I know, most of us will respond ferociously to this. Obviously, relationships ARE worth it, come whatever!

Seriously? I beg to differ. Unfortunately, very few are WORTH it. Somehow, one gets too tied to withdraw from this ballgame of relations, that amputation seems unattainable. Even though, I take pride in admitting that I don't give up on my relationships. Irrespective of how twisted the tale is, there is always a way. Where there is love, there is hope.

But what I have recently discovered is: relationships give up on me; even if I don't. I don't, I won't, ever. No matter how unrelenting circumstances are, they will not deserve to be sloughed. At least, this is what I would like to believe; to get better, to feel better.

Why do they give up on me--is the sixty four thousand dollar question. Perhaps, I am the one to feel so? Why would I feel so hopeless for no reason? 

I think the answer is simple: projection. As they say, making a mountain out of a mole. Why do people have this habit of projection one issue over the other and then hype about it? It's like expecting to land in Maldives and Turkey one after the other--the routes and flight connections differ a great deal. Kill your darlings!

I am flabbergasted. Even though I believe humans do not and should not be operated with a remote control--like switching the television on and off. But there is something called 'letting go'. Why should I be begging to 'let go' when the noncompliance isn't even worth the dissensus?

Although I am in NO way superior than the other; but I do know that I contain a sincere intent to resolve issues and nonissues (since they're made to look like bigger issues, unfortunately). Frankly, when eight out of ten times, you find yourself in a hot spot of perpetrating a noncompliance; the leftover two, rather sure-enough instances seem undeserving of the candle. 

Effective and proportionate efforts and time investment are essential to let a bond flourish. However, my truest call is: don't rave over the efforts if you can't appreciate them--if nothing greater.

If you can't change them, change the way you feel about them: seems apt, isn't it? It's not, I tell you. It is a plague of nasty mushrooms; you can't. This is what makes relationships so complex.

No relationship in life comes with unconditional aura; not even immediate family. There are times when you just want to give up instead of letting go. There are times when you want to let yourself be. 

Set me free - Casting crowns: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRtN0MMJYzw

They say, things will change; but I believe, enough damage has been done.

I wrote this in the week that followed this incident. The delay in posting it DOES NOT mean that the damage has lessened. It hasn't, it never will. Nothing on the face of this planet can fill in for a loss of an innocent soul.

I was exhausted that night. I stepped in my room, consumed to the brim. It was a manic day. Long eight months had passed. Finally, a much awaited concern was brought to shore. It was an issue an almost every Pakistani today supports. A decision that bummed out more than the most. It sold like hot cakes; bulletins flashed on every channel. It was none other than the horrendous murder of Shahzaib Khan.

The heartrending story of Shahzaib Khan was a ray hope, despite tragedy, that every citizen of the country looked forward to. A catastrophe that would become a platform to enforce justice in this sorry state of affairs. An incident that replenishes humanity and value of human life. However, the outcome has left me furious.

Why can’t there be justice? Why can’t the assassin be hanged? Why isn’t there an inch of remorse or guilt? I look at it like a failure—Pakistan’s failure. A state where horrendous crimes are not condemned; where wrongdoers are encouraged because evil is no big deal. Thirty three crore and an Australian residency for a life? Really?

The aftermath eminently shows that a meagre amount of light was shed on this incident; one that deserved justice, time and expertise. How can we stop Hamzas, Zains and Shahzaibs from dying such painful deaths, flipping the entire world apart of families they leave behind? How can we stop the funeral of hearts of those left stray after losing their loved ones? What about those who are sinless yet die every day? Killing one innocent is like killing the whole mankind.

Leaders who stand responsible are focusing on their post President Ship tenure. If this is how dysfunctional this country is, we cannot help but let Hamzas, Zains and Shahzaibs die. All this while these calamities hit the people, our judiciary focused more on planning their moves against the Former President Musharraf.

In coming months, if more immaculate souls die due to such irreverence and intolerance, I wouldn’t be surprised. In addition, it wouldn’t be shocking to see bloodshed right outside my doorstep; however, it will only trigger an inexplicable sense of repentance and heartbreak.

They say, “Things will change.” Who will change them? Imran Khan? I think they are all the same—some just better looking than others.

It is traumatizing to be in a state where seeking justice can become a menace. There is no way that societal and life hazards can compensate against a life itself. That night, I felt my hopes distilling into a quicksand of despair; not just because of Shahzaib, but based on an anthology of similar events. The Government is for the people. But what in it is for the people? Nothing that I can see.

They say, things will change; but I believe, enough damage has been done. 

Not everything that money can buy--surely not forgiveness. We're sorry for that, Shahzaib. Rest in peace.

Rest in peace Shahzaib.

Justice for one is justice for all. 

Odds and ends

Tonight is a moment--one in a million.

Tonight, the bright and dark are moving in parallel. The bright is reflecting against the dark, forming a shadow--a shadow of your soul on mine. Tonight, I am looking for you in fumes that are emitted. Because you still exist in the heat of the flame, in beat of the music. Because you are still alive in the dark themes of the night. Because your laughter echoes in the swishing of the wands. Tonight, I am looking for you in numerous directions. Because you showed me the right path--be it through Platform 9 3/4 or another express train. Tonight, I am looking for you behind the masks--with a hope that you will unleash your privy existence. Tonight, I am looking for you in the reflection of the drinks--orange, yellow and green, in the phantom of the goblets. Because you live in different shades that are incorporated in the ambience. Tonight, I am looking for you in the scents spread across the room--they fill up my heart.

Tonight, I am looking for you to come alive; in everything that there is. Because you still live behind closed doors, because you still live  in the chemistry of our bond, because you are alive in every moment I live, because you have conquered my soul to the depth. 

Tonight I want to see your face because you live in my heart. Tonight, I want to hear you because your laughter instills life into me. 

Because tonight you are awaited. Tonight I want to fly to you on a Nimbus 2000. 

I would if I could preserve this moment. A moment where white and black are reflecting in the mirror. There is a shadow of glum. But that is the nature of life. Yet tonight there is so much brightness. 

Hogwarts will always show you the right path. 

Once I was dissatisfied, now I am contented.

Everything happens for a reason. Circumstances change. People come and go. Those who stay should be taken as blessings. Amidst all this, one can only chase so much. Upon counting, life has numerous loose ends, but tying them together always bridges the gap.

There was a time when I possessed a never-ending desire for more. Little imperfection made me outrageous. Small accidents tore me apart. Strangers could ruin my day. Every day was a battle, where I stood lonely and dejected by the world around me. With every sunrise, a packet of concerns and worries unchained itself to me. With every new step, I found instances from the past that could ruin my present. In the end, I had enough reasons to feel burdened, which in substance were destructive to my inner.

This marked the mid of my teenage.

Numerous stepping stones stirred the realization that inner peace is priceless. There is not everything that money can buy. Coming to terms with myself was a gradual process; however, once achieved, changed my life drastically. It brought an impeccable sense of enlightenment about life as a whole. A time came when I learned to live with my shortcoming as they belonged to me. I learned to juggle with failures because I used them to my advantage. I began to rely on destiny because I understood that humans lack mystical powers. There was a sense of courage and contentment. As I grew up, fear and dissatisfaction faded.

Sometimes, life showed closed doors. But every exit had an entry somewhere else. With every closure came a get-go. Every action had a reaction. Time fetched me peace. Once I felt excruciated about my detriments; now I have learned to accept my increments and detriments both. Once I was hopeless. Now I am hopeful. Formerly, I ran after things that were not mine. Now I am satisfied with those alone that fall within my ambit.

I learned to glint my dark soul in times of peril. Once I was dissatisfied, now I am contented.   

Look. Admire. Appreciate.

If at all...

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

I've often found myself and others waywardly argue whether change is for the better or the worse. "I don't like changes. But some things ought to change, for the better" - a frequently used phrase by myself. Being someone who doesn't like settling into a new environment automatically labels me as unsupportive of change. However, circumstances, people, and most importantly, the binding force in this world: time - changes. Change is inevitable.

The argument whether change is for the better or worse has seemed inconclusive so far. Having said that, if you and/or I choose to change, it is often the need of the hour. It may be a circumstantial adaption. It may be a dire need, if nothing greater. Why would change occur at all if it wasn't to smoothen perceptual ease?

Ten years ago, I believed, people who make mistakes, forgive them anyway. Those who apologise, deserve a second or  in some cases, a third chance. Whereas, today, my thoughts are contrary to the foregoing. I have come down to believe that mistakes should be forgiven but not forgotten. Those who seek apology should be given no more than a second chance. Those who try to use you to their advantage need a lesson. Those who give you shit, return the favour with bullshit. Undoubtedly enough, this is a change. Most likely, for the better. 

In addition, ten years down the road, I might ponder, "why did I do, what I did? Why was I the way I was? What caused this to be this way? If I hadn't done this, this wouldn't have happened". All baseless. I, thereafter, make it a point to BELIEVE that what I did then was what the best suited course of action was. I accustomed to the moving times, the change, and all that was needed.

Our experiences: good and bad, relationships, circumstances, attitudes, treatments, judgements all eventually factor towards 'change'. If it wasn't for the better, it wouldn't just happen.

Let thoughts enter. Let them seep. Let change come. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Time's ticking!

With you alone, even your elder sister could behave like a baby

The soul of the deceased speaking from the skies. The divine voice when reaches the ears makes an impact:

On my encounter with God, He asked me my last wish. With that, the most beautiful vacation flashed before me. With eyes shut and wrapped in the cover of my own self, I dashed beside you, my sister. You were by then, in a state of quiescence. Outside the window, the sky was dark and lonely, yet the stars were lusturous making themself eminent.The clouds had clumped together. The silver gleam of the moon lightened the skies beautifully in its own way undettered by the blockade the lumped cloud had tried to cause. Sparkles of which entered your room focusing only on your hands that clutched my picture tightly. However, my short visit was meant to do nothing but unmask the reality. While you emerged in slumber, I filled the spaces between your fingers. Sister, seeing you in despair hurt my soul while I sleep peacefully in the company of angels sent by the Creator to protect me. What was the difference in your present state and mine? If only humans ever pondered enough, death was a poetic or euphemistic expression for a long deep sleep. Apparently, it may be a harsh reality - the totality of facts as they are independent of human awareness of them.

"I am living my life after death", I whispered in your ear. Yes...a life that is beyond the worldly affairs and ignorance from bliss. The void I left you with shall overcome one day, but you got to hold strong. My lord sees the agony you go through every day and I pray to Him to give you never ending strength and devotion towards piety. You look forward to see me in your dreams...but dear sister, it is actually me who is covering every mile of the journey to begin an uninterrupted and eternal chapter with you and our family; a test that we all are subject to, sooner or later. The remarkable self-control you exercise each day aids as a bridge to my celestial city. The good deeds you perform to benefit me make me rise like a shining star, with utmost clarity, ruling over the galaxies and the universe. Sister, I am setting on a path which is toughest; but attainment of it shall lead me to an impregnable state of eternal well being and fulfillment of on-going desires. My demise is manifested by the permanent cessation of vital organic functions, including the absence of my heartbeat. However, my spiritual existance is active.The termination of my life has not obstructed what the soul needs and responds to. The passion, sentiment and emotion will always be alive. Every day I am watching you. I am all around you...in the winds that blow, the breeze that contacts your body upon it's arrival. My existance is now magical. With utter provocation, I need you to experience my occurance in everything that nature poses. The rain drops that fall hitting the ground with pressure, the thunder and the lightning - noises that take you over are signs from the Almighty. At all times, I shall stay within your proximity in various forms such as the seasons that you live - summer, spring, winter and autumn. The mountains that stand erect, the trees planted that give you shade, the flowers that blossom, the butterflies that add beauty to your surroundings and the splashing of high waves in seas and oceans that battle as they reach the shore, back and forth. Nature is my pervasive ubiquity. Till your last breath, I will continue to be your shadow. Inside out should my scent beset you penetrating in your heart and mind. Do not live without me - life has not asked you for that. Exhibit calm endurance of pain - absence of my physical companionship with hope and patience.

My dear sister... Paradise fills every inch of my spirit. The realities are far more extravagant. They hold splendor, glory and radiance. Sorcery powers are its daily routines. Powers of the All-knowing master impecabbly bridge all the emptiness a soul may face. Real life such as this is where I shall meet you. That day is not far when you hold me tight and we shall cuddle.

I still love and miss you, probably more than you do? Life without you is not easy. But my efforts towards the hereafter are relentless that do not weigh me down. For with me alone, you will continue to behave like a baby. For you are my soul-mate, partner, significant other, better half, life saver, tower of strength, twin flame... my sister. For I grew up in your arms, and sought refuge in you. I continually remininsce over the times we had. Hold strong sister & keep walking. 

Your most precious & awaited,

Your sister

Teri Yaad Saath Hai- Rahat Fateh Ali: www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhKwyPDZO0g

The brightness of the sun lights my way as I fly ahead

Whether applaudable - I have my doubts:

Summer expansed with its bright colours. The sun shone in its full glory, mighty and hot. The sky was clear and there was only so much the clouds could do to overshadow the blaze of the sun.

The weather doesn't necessarily bring all pleasant happenings. Darkness always rests in a corner and springs up wherever it finds light to prosper.

I grew up thinking that I will never let this drab of darkness overpower me. I thought having had everything in life, or at least attaining things to my wishes, there is nothing more I could ask for. I satisfied myself against the notion that prosperity will always touch my feet if I face all the dark episodes to reach brightness again. I framed a set of rules where materialism occupied space to a bare minimum. I thought obtaining parental consent upon every action and acknowledgement of accountability is where true flashes of light are. I convinced myself to believe that money is merely a need and must stay within those parameters to keep the charm of relationships alive, which are most important, if nothing greater. I placed cardinal importance to honesty where it achieved the highest rank on its pedestal. I believed that transcending the aforesaid will only revoke the sanctity of my set of rules. I started believing that as humans, we are bound to zero concept of free will and as dependents, our will should first be approved by our guardians. It strongly caught me that at the end of the day, we all owe a major portion of our existence to those who originate us.

Today, I feel awful. I see nothing but an opposite manifestation of the foregoing. Life, in general, has portrayed unambivalently otherwise.

To all what I have held on the highest rung of the ladder, has overwhelmed me than outweighing my intentions. Today it all seems like a plague of nasty mushrooms. From materialism to parental consent and honesty, it was all in all a fruitless exercise. The fact that I have always wanted to 'convince' my guardian before taking a step forward has predominantly dumped me. As many times as I have made the effort of being heard and understood with logic, the outcome is inane. You can't outshine an elder with over forty years of age and life experience against your trivial twenty or twenty-five year old covets.

Materialism follows, as money does play a primal role in everyone's life. As a little girl, I always longed to educate myself at the best of places as part of self grooming. But reality be, who doesn't want recognition and reward for hard work?

Monetary benefits do serve as an underlying motive for various things, sometimes unintentionally. Honesty, to begin with, is a rare trait these days. It is spoken of very highly, however, appreciation extended upon action is cipher.

Most people are absorbed in a race where there is minimal room for matters of the heart, dignity and emotion.

I do not know whether it is the culture or nurture - which of the two deem appropriate. Having said the above you end up exercising a nil degree of control over your life. In substance, we owe our entire life to people who we think are important, for example parents and guardians. Unfortunately, we forget that we still remain a different person nonetheless. A person with a heart and feelings; a soul with a distinguished heartbeat.

Walking wayward - whether to collapse on this or think of it as just another instance where life gave up on me? After the rigorous attempts of establishing myself clean yet attaining zilch, I have learned to claim onus for my action whose discretion of commitment belongs to me, and only me.

A significant portion of our lives still remains dedicated to us inclusive of full commitment, acknowledgement and responsibility. No matter how dependent, you do remain a separate person in the totality of facts.

Notwithstanding the above, is persuasion worth the time and energy especially if you stay unheard after the whole exercise? Whether or not applaudable, I have my doubts.

Introspection.