Once I was dissatisfied, now I am contented.

Everything happens for a reason. Circumstances change. People come and go. Those who stay should be taken as blessings. Amidst all this, one can only chase so much. Upon counting, life has numerous loose ends, but tying them together always bridges the gap.

There was a time when I possessed a never-ending desire for more. Little imperfection made me outrageous. Small accidents tore me apart. Strangers could ruin my day. Every day was a battle, where I stood lonely and dejected by the world around me. With every sunrise, a packet of concerns and worries unchained itself to me. With every new step, I found instances from the past that could ruin my present. In the end, I had enough reasons to feel burdened, which in substance were destructive to my inner.

This marked the mid of my teenage.

Numerous stepping stones stirred the realization that inner peace is priceless. There is not everything that money can buy. Coming to terms with myself was a gradual process; however, once achieved, changed my life drastically. It brought an impeccable sense of enlightenment about life as a whole. A time came when I learned to live with my shortcoming as they belonged to me. I learned to juggle with failures because I used them to my advantage. I began to rely on destiny because I understood that humans lack mystical powers. There was a sense of courage and contentment. As I grew up, fear and dissatisfaction faded.

Sometimes, life showed closed doors. But every exit had an entry somewhere else. With every closure came a get-go. Every action had a reaction. Time fetched me peace. Once I felt excruciated about my detriments; now I have learned to accept my increments and detriments both. Once I was hopeless. Now I am hopeful. Formerly, I ran after things that were not mine. Now I am satisfied with those alone that fall within my ambit.

I learned to glint my dark soul in times of peril. Once I was dissatisfied, now I am contented.   

Look. Admire. Appreciate.

If at all...

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

I've often found myself and others waywardly argue whether change is for the better or the worse. "I don't like changes. But some things ought to change, for the better" - a frequently used phrase by myself. Being someone who doesn't like settling into a new environment automatically labels me as unsupportive of change. However, circumstances, people, and most importantly, the binding force in this world: time - changes. Change is inevitable.

The argument whether change is for the better or worse has seemed inconclusive so far. Having said that, if you and/or I choose to change, it is often the need of the hour. It may be a circumstantial adaption. It may be a dire need, if nothing greater. Why would change occur at all if it wasn't to smoothen perceptual ease?

Ten years ago, I believed, people who make mistakes, forgive them anyway. Those who apologise, deserve a second or  in some cases, a third chance. Whereas, today, my thoughts are contrary to the foregoing. I have come down to believe that mistakes should be forgiven but not forgotten. Those who seek apology should be given no more than a second chance. Those who try to use you to their advantage need a lesson. Those who give you shit, return the favour with bullshit. Undoubtedly enough, this is a change. Most likely, for the better. 

In addition, ten years down the road, I might ponder, "why did I do, what I did? Why was I the way I was? What caused this to be this way? If I hadn't done this, this wouldn't have happened". All baseless. I, thereafter, make it a point to BELIEVE that what I did then was what the best suited course of action was. I accustomed to the moving times, the change, and all that was needed.

Our experiences: good and bad, relationships, circumstances, attitudes, treatments, judgements all eventually factor towards 'change'. If it wasn't for the better, it wouldn't just happen.

Let thoughts enter. Let them seep. Let change come. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Time's ticking!

With you alone, even your elder sister could behave like a baby

The soul of the deceased speaking from the skies. The divine voice when reaches the ears makes an impact:

On my encounter with God, He asked me my last wish. With that, the most beautiful vacation flashed before me. With eyes shut and wrapped in the cover of my own self, I dashed beside you, my sister. You were by then, in a state of quiescence. Outside the window, the sky was dark and lonely, yet the stars were lusturous making themself eminent.The clouds had clumped together. The silver gleam of the moon lightened the skies beautifully in its own way undettered by the blockade the lumped cloud had tried to cause. Sparkles of which entered your room focusing only on your hands that clutched my picture tightly. However, my short visit was meant to do nothing but unmask the reality. While you emerged in slumber, I filled the spaces between your fingers. Sister, seeing you in despair hurt my soul while I sleep peacefully in the company of angels sent by the Creator to protect me. What was the difference in your present state and mine? If only humans ever pondered enough, death was a poetic or euphemistic expression for a long deep sleep. Apparently, it may be a harsh reality - the totality of facts as they are independent of human awareness of them.

"I am living my life after death", I whispered in your ear. Yes...a life that is beyond the worldly affairs and ignorance from bliss. The void I left you with shall overcome one day, but you got to hold strong. My lord sees the agony you go through every day and I pray to Him to give you never ending strength and devotion towards piety. You look forward to see me in your dreams...but dear sister, it is actually me who is covering every mile of the journey to begin an uninterrupted and eternal chapter with you and our family; a test that we all are subject to, sooner or later. The remarkable self-control you exercise each day aids as a bridge to my celestial city. The good deeds you perform to benefit me make me rise like a shining star, with utmost clarity, ruling over the galaxies and the universe. Sister, I am setting on a path which is toughest; but attainment of it shall lead me to an impregnable state of eternal well being and fulfillment of on-going desires. My demise is manifested by the permanent cessation of vital organic functions, including the absence of my heartbeat. However, my spiritual existance is active.The termination of my life has not obstructed what the soul needs and responds to. The passion, sentiment and emotion will always be alive. Every day I am watching you. I am all around you...in the winds that blow, the breeze that contacts your body upon it's arrival. My existance is now magical. With utter provocation, I need you to experience my occurance in everything that nature poses. The rain drops that fall hitting the ground with pressure, the thunder and the lightning - noises that take you over are signs from the Almighty. At all times, I shall stay within your proximity in various forms such as the seasons that you live - summer, spring, winter and autumn. The mountains that stand erect, the trees planted that give you shade, the flowers that blossom, the butterflies that add beauty to your surroundings and the splashing of high waves in seas and oceans that battle as they reach the shore, back and forth. Nature is my pervasive ubiquity. Till your last breath, I will continue to be your shadow. Inside out should my scent beset you penetrating in your heart and mind. Do not live without me - life has not asked you for that. Exhibit calm endurance of pain - absence of my physical companionship with hope and patience.

My dear sister... Paradise fills every inch of my spirit. The realities are far more extravagant. They hold splendor, glory and radiance. Sorcery powers are its daily routines. Powers of the All-knowing master impecabbly bridge all the emptiness a soul may face. Real life such as this is where I shall meet you. That day is not far when you hold me tight and we shall cuddle.

I still love and miss you, probably more than you do? Life without you is not easy. But my efforts towards the hereafter are relentless that do not weigh me down. For with me alone, you will continue to behave like a baby. For you are my soul-mate, partner, significant other, better half, life saver, tower of strength, twin flame... my sister. For I grew up in your arms, and sought refuge in you. I continually remininsce over the times we had. Hold strong sister & keep walking. 

Your most precious & awaited,

Your sister

Teri Yaad Saath Hai- Rahat Fateh Ali: www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhKwyPDZO0g

The brightness of the sun lights my way as I fly ahead

Whether applaudable - I have my doubts:

Summer expansed with its bright colours. The sun shone in its full glory, mighty and hot. The sky was clear and there was only so much the clouds could do to overshadow the blaze of the sun.

The weather doesn't necessarily bring all pleasant happenings. Darkness always rests in a corner and springs up wherever it finds light to prosper.

I grew up thinking that I will never let this drab of darkness overpower me. I thought having had everything in life, or at least attaining things to my wishes, there is nothing more I could ask for. I satisfied myself against the notion that prosperity will always touch my feet if I face all the dark episodes to reach brightness again. I framed a set of rules where materialism occupied space to a bare minimum. I thought obtaining parental consent upon every action and acknowledgement of accountability is where true flashes of light are. I convinced myself to believe that money is merely a need and must stay within those parameters to keep the charm of relationships alive, which are most important, if nothing greater. I placed cardinal importance to honesty where it achieved the highest rank on its pedestal. I believed that transcending the aforesaid will only revoke the sanctity of my set of rules. I started believing that as humans, we are bound to zero concept of free will and as dependents, our will should first be approved by our guardians. It strongly caught me that at the end of the day, we all owe a major portion of our existence to those who originate us.

Today, I feel awful. I see nothing but an opposite manifestation of the foregoing. Life, in general, has portrayed unambivalently otherwise.

To all what I have held on the highest rung of the ladder, has overwhelmed me than outweighing my intentions. Today it all seems like a plague of nasty mushrooms. From materialism to parental consent and honesty, it was all in all a fruitless exercise. The fact that I have always wanted to 'convince' my guardian before taking a step forward has predominantly dumped me. As many times as I have made the effort of being heard and understood with logic, the outcome is inane. You can't outshine an elder with over forty years of age and life experience against your trivial twenty or twenty-five year old covets.

Materialism follows, as money does play a primal role in everyone's life. As a little girl, I always longed to educate myself at the best of places as part of self grooming. But reality be, who doesn't want recognition and reward for hard work?

Monetary benefits do serve as an underlying motive for various things, sometimes unintentionally. Honesty, to begin with, is a rare trait these days. It is spoken of very highly, however, appreciation extended upon action is cipher.

Most people are absorbed in a race where there is minimal room for matters of the heart, dignity and emotion.

I do not know whether it is the culture or nurture - which of the two deem appropriate. Having said the above you end up exercising a nil degree of control over your life. In substance, we owe our entire life to people who we think are important, for example parents and guardians. Unfortunately, we forget that we still remain a different person nonetheless. A person with a heart and feelings; a soul with a distinguished heartbeat.

Walking wayward - whether to collapse on this or think of it as just another instance where life gave up on me? After the rigorous attempts of establishing myself clean yet attaining zilch, I have learned to claim onus for my action whose discretion of commitment belongs to me, and only me.

A significant portion of our lives still remains dedicated to us inclusive of full commitment, acknowledgement and responsibility. No matter how dependent, you do remain a separate person in the totality of facts.

Notwithstanding the above, is persuasion worth the time and energy especially if you stay unheard after the whole exercise? Whether or not applaudable, I have my doubts.

Introspection.

Am I where I ought to be?

As I sat down tonight and gathered the scattered remains of my self and the memories over last couple of weeks, I managed to reach to a logical conclusion. Sometimes, a logical conclusion leading to self-accusation does a lot better than looking to blame others for your own situation or condition. I realised that the state where life has brought me today is merely because of the conscious choices I made and the path I took. Notwithstanding, the reasons behind making such a choice, I should accept the responsibility of my own actions and consequentially if I have ended up bearing my fingers burnt; its because of none other but my own self. This brings me to peace, however, have made me question my existence as to where I stand.

Being a woman is both challenging and charming. We have grown up reading that God created us from a man's rib, so as not to be superior or inferior than him but to be held close right next to his heart, to be loved and looked after. However, what we often miss out connecting, despite being taught during early ethics and religious lessons is that, wherever a woman ever comes in contact with another man, she is either a mother, sister, wife or daughter. The trouble begins exactly where we depart from this basic lesson and tend to enter into arrangements which are a product of new era of an enlightened modern society - which makes us something other than a mother, daughter, wife or sister.

Human beings had and will always require a code to be humans. That's exactly why we often tend to face disappointments and despair upon entering into relationship that lacks governance and an ethical code. A daughter is most protected in her father's space because she is created from his sperm and blood. Human beings do not harm something which they consider a part of themselves. A son always holds, or should hold, his mother on the highest pedestal because he has grown up believing on things like, "since God is not everywhere so He made mothers", or "if heaven dwells anywhere on earth, it is beneath your mother's feet". Similarly, there's been a huge lot of do's' and dont's both in the religion and society that governs the husband-wife relationship. So much so, that people in the West are refraining from entering into such a well-bounded, highly regulated and extremely governed relationship. I am not an extremist or the so-called fundamentalist. I am not even an overly religious or strictly rigorous individual. I am neither completely against the concept of man-woman being friends, although such a relation hardly exists in substance. It took me more than a decade and a number of broken fallacies to realize this brutal fact. The notion of man-woman friendship, though extremely rare a possibility in itself, exists only to the extent to which it doesn't outer-perform the gender dynamics - which, by the way tend to rise higher as the interaction between the two increases. 

If you ever find yourself dissatisfied in a relationship with a man, which makes you something else other than those mentioned aforesaid, you'd know where you went wrong. Crossing a line doesn't always mean infidelity or indulgence. Nevertheless, if you feel you have been unjustly victimized or unequally treated, sooner or later you should find yourself asking if you are where you ought to be. World is a beautiful place and so are our parents' homes, unfortunately for all those things that function without a predefined code or well-established procedure, experiencing a mess becomes inevitable. If you ever have stepped in or have found yourself in a bonding with a man sans a code, regardless of how time honoured or deeper it is, you are bound to get hurt. After all its far much easier for a man to break those rules that have never been set and flexing those boundaries which you have yourself started compromising upon. 

For all those woman experiencing a heart ache out there, if you find your self in a relationship which makes you anything but all those you should be, sooner or later you'd find your self in a state you wouldn't want to be in. After all the responsibility to keep ourselves protected and secured comes down to no other man but our selves.



Poets of the fall- Beautiful ones: www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtWvNvcTFys‎

With the grace of a woman...

In memory of Hamza Ahmed

Height of education 'was' tolerance:

This happens to be the third consecutive post by me that talks about human life. It's losing value. People are losing life like it ain't any big deal. Just a single bullet down the chest and your journey in this world ends.

This is what happens when you put all your focus on Musharraf and pass verdicts within days and ignore actual issues that need to be addressed. It's not just the politicians that are at fault, the judiciary is equally complicit. Beloved Chief Justice is too darn engaged planning his revenge moves against Musharraf to do something. Shahzaib's case was supposed to, and should have, set an example of justice served. As long as we keep turning a blind eye and eventually forgetting and ignoring these cases, they WILL continue to happen.

Like it or not, accept it or not, Hamza's murder IS on judiciary's hands. The blood is on their hands because they love to be in the front line to quack and take sou moto notices of Waheeda Shah's slap and Atiqa Odho's liquor, but consistently, perhaps deliberately, fail to address issues of life and death, issues of cold-blooded murders, issues that actually matter and pertain to the 'awaam'.

After what has happened with Hamza, I can only deduce that this country needs divine intervention. Perhaps, no leader, no constitution and no degree of democracy can possibly restore the lost sentiment of something as precious and irreplaceable as HUMAN LIFE.

On a personal level, what's more to this entire accident is the fact that human tolerance has de-escalated to zero. Teenagers usually contain a strip of short fuse. But what saddens me is that such impertinent and inhumane activities are projected as a status symbol by parents. Who, in fact, should be the force to condemn these.

Hamza's death could be considered as JUST another death in this slaughter house, that is, rightly called, "Karachi", since so many innocent lives are doomed across the city everyday. But what makes Hamza's demise even more tragic is how he has been assassinated. Security guards, instead of expounding safety, security, discipline and morals are becoming aid to irreverence.

Corruption has seeped into every living bone of Pakistan. It has attacked the majority like an infection beyond immunity. Who will restore peace? Who will fight these scoundrels? Is there any hope? Hope was in the youngsters. Unfortunately, they are promoting massive iniquity. Eradication of evil has become extinct. There is no manifestation of truth, peace and tolerance.

At a broader level, the common man doesn't give a rat's posterior about Musharraf violating the constitution. You want to pass verdicts on that, go ahead. But if you give that priority over cases like Hamza, you really don't deserve the position you're sitting on because you're simply not mentally fit to lead at that position.

Killing one innocent life equals to killing an entire mankind. My soul feels mutilated. In the corner of my heart is a tombstone that is devoid of the slightest hope.

Rest in peace Hamza.

Flee from the fiasco

Umpteenth time in the day, I confronted yet another headline on the internet talk about the blast in Boston. I see people express sentiments over Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp & bbm about how they feel sorry about what has happened in Boston. More than most of the population is showing concern about the unexpected casualty befallen in the US! - Why?

To an extent, yes, I feel sorry for the people there. But expressing such extensive grief is beyond my understanding. Perhaps, the only reason why I would feel sorry is that they acknowledge the value of human life. Whereas, our country has simply lost that sense.

To many out there, I'd sound biased; because I haven't been directly or even indirectly affected by the situation. But that isn't the case. I know my words are a product of a long history of frustration, resentment and anger. However, at the same time, I do realise that an eye for an eye can make the whole US world blind & thus, the ball remains within the US court.

Nonetheless, what is happening in Afghanistan, Iraq and Pakistan cannot and should not be ignored. I'm not retaliating, because I know it would take me nowhere. For the Americans, a simple response to all this would be, as always, highlighting the 9/11 to justify against these activities. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem plausible all the time. 

My religious and ethnic sentiments are closely battling - hard to figure out which of the two is taking their toll. I also know that my emotions are spread to all ends instead of focusing in one direction. But reality be bitter too. It is true that as Pakistanis we depend on the US world for so many things, even as little as admiring Hollywood actors and choosing to go to the US for higher education or two months of vacation. Nevertheless, this series of ruthless events still does not justify.

Although Muslim is a religious label and does not pertain to race, the line between racism and religious discrimination is often blurred. It has been established that discrimination toward Muslim Americans was present before the attacks on September 11, which may relate to Islam being frequently portrayed by the media as intrinsically intolerant and violent. Therefore, parking blame over that one instance against these recurring tragedies is not an answer.

I am not justifying anything here. I am here, only to express my feelings as a Pakistani. Right now, there is anger, there is disgust coupled by a trace of helplessness that is running though my bones.

Before the youth of today energize themselves to take a step forward for Pakistan, it must be established whether we are to take a front seat as a nation or remain underdogs and suffer tyranny at the hands of the Americans. Over the last few decades, we are rolling in a mesh of plague and vex, coming out of which has become harder by the day.

As much as I feel for the victims of the blasts in Boston, my feelings for the innocent sufferers of my own country are times twenty billion. Despite virtue of humanity and benevolence, I have utterly failed to feel any worse about the Boston incident. I wish I could be bothered, just a little more than I am. 


I won't give up - Jason Mraz: www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0